Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconsugarheartedgirl: More from SugarHeartedGirl


Featured in Collections

Poetry, short stories by PoetBanana

literature by enchantedpeprika


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
June 4, 2011
File Size
616 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
555
Favourites
36 (who?)
Comments
53
×
I am a pianist
And you are my piano, dear.

I play minuets along your ribcage,
Write love songs on your arms,
And press your vertebrae like keys
To let soft chords fill the empty space.
Your hairs are the resounding strings,
Your lips are polished brass pedals
That make everything loud and soft at the same time.
Kissing you makes the whole world shift up an octave.

I am a pianist
And you are my piano, dear
So let's write a duet in the dark.
Argharghargh, I don't even know why I'm posting this because it's really strange. Well, what poems by me aren't strange?

This is from the perspective of a guy talking about his love and comparing her to a piano. He can't really play, but when he's with her he feels like a musician.

---------------------------------------
Critique: [link]

Please critique this! Do you think it's too simple, or maybe too short?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconimaginative-lioness:
imaginative-lioness Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am speechless, this is absolutely beautiful. You have created such strong imagery, and your word choices are incredible. I am insanely jealous by your skills as a poet. I especially liked this part:

"I play minuets along your ribcage,
Write love songs on your arms,
And press your vertebrae like keys
To let soft chords fill the empty space.


Incredible. Amazing. Beautiful.
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, love! Practise, practise, practise, that's what I do. This is one of my early pieces, so it's not as good as some of the others, but I'm really happy that you liked it. :heart:
Reply
:iconimaginative-lioness:
imaginative-lioness Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome, this piece is beautiful ♥!
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your fantastic work has been featured here!
I'd really appreciate if you could give some love to the other featured pieces and :+fav: the journal! :heart:
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I will definitely check it out. :heart:
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconkatsumibatei:
KatsumiBatei Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I LOVE IT!! I'm glad that you posted it, it's so simple and short and that's it's charm nothing long and unnecessary
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you sososo much!!!! Yay!
Thanks for the fave as well!
Reply
:iconkatsumibatei:
KatsumiBatei Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
no problem and it was my pleasure ^^
Reply
:icontwistedfireflyx:
TwistedFireflyx Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
this is really beautiful ^^ in your comments you say 'he can't really play, but when he's with her he feels like a musician' and when i read this a second time that really came a cross well
i also really like the last lines 'So let's write a duet
In the dark. ' i think it really piece together :)
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, I'm really happy you liked it. Thank you for the fave as well!
Reply
:icontwistedfireflyx:
TwistedFireflyx Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
no problem ^^
Reply
:iconadalaine:
adalaine Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011
I personally don't think it's too simple, and something is only considered too short when there's so much more to say and the words aren't adequate. With that, I don't think this poem is such a piece. I really love the imagery and, as a person who plays piano, I can't say the number of times I've imagined rib bones as keys.

The only thing I have a "problem" with (and it's really not one; I'm just trying hard to find something to critique and am having difficulties finding something that significant) is the last line "In the dark." I don't know if it's necessary. To me, it explicitly underlines the concept of lovers but in a very overt way. Without it, it would still be inherently implied by the rest of your poem, and perhaps in a more subtle way. Or even if you combined both the lines to be:

I am a pianist
And you are my piano, dear
So let's write a duet in the dark.


I just always find the last line of any literary piece to be the one last impression, and I think it would be nice to leave the emphasis on two people creating a duet together, which seems more the tone of your poem rather than the dark.
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I will combine the lines and see if I like it, and if I do then thank you! Thanks anyway for all your feedback!
Reply
:icon420writer:
420Writer Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011
I LOVE the concept :) I have a few suggestions that I feel would make the piece a lot stronger. You can disregard them or listen to them, either way this poem is wonderful.

"I am a pianist
And you are my piano, dear. (This may just be my opinion, but I think the poem works so well without the use of "dear")

I play minuets along your ribcage,
Write love songs on your arms(,)
And press your vertebrae like keys
To let (instead of "to let" maybe "allowing") soft chords (to) fill the empty space.
Your hairs are the strings,
Your lips are the pedals
That soften everything (start a new line)yet at the same time make it loud.
Kissing you makes the whole world (new line)shift up an octave.

I am a pianist
And you are my piano,(again, not a fan of "dear") dear
So let's write a duet
(I love the line above this, I honestly think you should cut "In the dark" and leave it with "let's write a duet")In the dark.
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I really don't agree with the line breaks, they make the poem's flow go all wrong when I do that to it. Also, I like "In the dark"! Just "Let's write a duet" and then a finish seems to abrupt and not descriptive enough. I will put in the comma, though. ;) I'm sorry if I totally just put down all of your suggestions, and now I feel mean, but I think my poem flows better without them.
Reply
:icon420writer:
420Writer Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011
haha whatever you say.
Reply
:icondragonwolfgirl1234:
dragonwolfgirl1234 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011  Hobbyist
I love this poem, I apsolutly love the way you've compared the piano with a person and quote on the diffrent parts of the body. I like it though because its short and simple, but really effective =) I don't really see much wrong with this, all I'd advise is to keep writing, this poem is amazing.
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! You are so nice!
Reply
:icondragonwolfgirl1234:
dragonwolfgirl1234 Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011  Hobbyist
You are most welcome :meow:
Reply
:iconelissare:
Elissare Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011
I really do like this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with short and simple, it creates some of the most powerful poetry out there.

In terms of critique your first line feels more like a title and I'd lose the capitalisation of each line, it's a little jarring to the internal ear when you read through.

The hair as strings and lips as pedals is where you start to tell rather than show, but I love the idea of kisses making the world shift octaves, that's a really powerful musical metaphor.

Your last stanza is a beautiful ending and the consonace of duet and dark works very well.
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
In poetry, you're supposed to capitalize each line. Just sayin'. Yeah, I've been getting lots of criticism about the first stanza. Thanks for the feedback!
Reply
:iconmysideofthestreet:
MySideoftheStreet Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011
this is soooooooooooo cute!!!! ^-^ love it!
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you~!!!!
Reply
:iconwakip:
WaKip Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011   Writer
Beautiful, yet I found it a little funny(the last line made me smile), I found it detailed, and the imagery was fantastic. It was short and sweet :)
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconsailingsong:
SailingSong Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
This is lovely. I'll never think of my piano the same. =) And the imagery is wonderful.
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad I made an impact!
Reply
:iconsailingsong:
SailingSong Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I would certainly say so! I like your style of writing. I'm going to look at more of it soon. =)
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Neato! I love your art too, so expect a watch coming your way!
Reply
:iconsailingsong:
SailingSong Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. =)
dA is such an inspiring community. I can already tell I'll really be looking forward to reading more of your work!
Reply
:iconkeanuwantroomservice:
KeanuWantRoomService Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Student Writer
I do really like this piece. The imagery in the second stanza is wonderful, especially to a wannabe musician like myself. One thing I would suggest changing, though, are the last two lines in the second stanza. They fumble a bit compared to the rest of the lines. Maybe reword the first line to something like,

That soften and brighten all at once.

Only my opinion, of course.

As for your question, I would say it is a good length. The ending feels like it drops a bit. You may want to lengthen it out to a bit more than just in the dark. Maybe change dark to a gentler word, like night, then add a musical adjective, to keep with the theme.

Splendid piece, though. Thank you very much for writing it. :) :heart:
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'll take your edits into consideration! :) Thank you!
Reply
:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Student Writer
I looooove the idea of the imagery in the poem is such a lovely concept that I AM indeed quite in love with it.
However, possibly not too short but each line, the rhythm of it could be structured with more fluency.
This poem has truly inspired me. I do really love it. So please take the critique with a grain of salt. :) That is my suggestion. To answer your question, too simple with a looovely idea and feel behind it. :heart:

Respectively,
fellow deviant writer. ^^
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Taking with a grain of salt(whatever that means), my dear. Thank you very much! Looking back, I see that the flow is kind of spastic. ;) I'm thinking of elaborating it, if I have the time when I'm not working on my story.

Ahh, since you're so nice, I feel like doing a little advertising or whatever! I'd love for some more people to read my story, cause I haven't gotten much feedback. [link] please look if you have time. It's only the first chapter, but I'm about to post the second. (The mature content is just in case, it isn't bad at all.)
Reply
:iconallyrah:
Allyrah Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I think this is absolutely beautiful! I really love how he compares her to a piano, I think it's quite sweet. And as for your questions it's not too short or too simple at all. I don't think all poems have to be really long and very complicated, sometimes simple and short poems are just as lovely as any long, complex poem. And this poem is so lovely, I adore it!
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hooray! Thank you! :hug:
Reply
:iconladykylin:
LadyKylin Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011
I really like this, though I kept wanting to put my infront of dear but that is probably habit.

And I've always been a fan of short and sweet poetry, as for it being to simple I do not think so, poetry does not need to be criptic or force the reader to think on like some archiac riddle. This is pure and simple a pease of pleasant and romantic poetry that ties the love of music and instruments to romantic love which is as far as I'm concerned quite wonderfull.
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!!! I'm really happy you like it!
Reply
:iconlegendsofzeldafreako:
legendsofzeldafreako Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
This is really good. At first I didn't like the first stanza but it really ties in with the last one!
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
What didn't you like about it? I'm glad that it eventually was good, but I'd like to know how to improve my writing whenever possible.
Reply
:iconlegendsofzeldafreako:
legendsofzeldafreako Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
It just seemed like you were telling us the point of your poem, instead of showing us through imagery. The middle stanza is beautiful, though!
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :)
Reply
:iconalexislish:
AlexisLish Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Beautifully writ
Even better if Sung
Let the moans bring a symphony
And the screams run into the night

A solo surely worth reviewing.

Nicely done ;D
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, that could even be another stanza. Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconalexislish:
AlexisLish Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure ^^
Reply
:iconach-tastic:
Ach-tastic Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful!
Reply
:iconsugarheartedgirl:
SugarHeartedGirl Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! And thank you for the :+fav: as well!
Reply
:iconach-tastic:
Ach-tastic Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're quite welcome! It truly was a beautiful piece!
Reply
:iconmonisterbean:
monisterbean Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011
Really excellent, yes very youlike, strange yet amazing! :D
Reply
Add a Comment: